After a long, Covid-enforced break, Dr Sigmund Freud (SF) has resumed his interviews with world leaders. He met recently with Prime Minister Albanese (AA).
SF: Are you disappointed with the sharp criticism of the nuclear-powered submarine deal you’ve signed up to under the…how you say it…ORCAS deal?
AA: (laughs gently, spells)
A-UK-US. A for Australia, UK for United Kingdom, US, well that hardly needs spelling out does it? When I put it like that, though, it does seem a teensy bit unfair that our two partners in helping keep the world safe from those who mostly have to speak English through interpreters each get an extra letter.
SF: Maybe that reflects your junior standing—
AA: (interrupting)
Now just a moment Sig. You don’t mind if I call you that, do you? This is a partnership of absolute equals. You tell me how many rich and powerful countries would allow their camp followers to pay them vast sums of money, eyewatering is the favourite description but that’s a gross understatement, for something that might or might not arrive … well, you know … um, sort of down the track.
SF: But isn’t that just the problem—
AA: (interrupting again)
It’s all about trust. We trust something will happen eventually but only a higher authority and the Pentagon knows what and when.
SF: How can you even be certain that by the time the subs eventually arrive the oceans haven’t evaporated because of global warming?
AA: Now you’re just being plain silly. There’ll always be a puddle somewhere we can play in. Anyway, even if the oceans do dry up we’ve got special camouflage nets. Free of charge, part of the deal, how about that! Our subs will never be sitting ducks, they’re too big for a start.
SF: White elephants then?
AA: (passing over a photograph).
See for yourself, they’re gunmetal grey!
SF: But think of the difference all that money could make to things like health and education that Australians are crying out for.
AA: What’s the point of being fit and educated if you have to live in constant fear of those who mostly have to speak English through interpreters.
SF: So, you’re sure the subs will deter China?
AA: What I’m sure of is this. One day the phone will ring and a cheery voice will say: Hey Albo, the first ones finally arrived, why don’t you come down to the dock and we’ll take it for a spin, I’ll get a car to your nursing home asap.
And I’ll put on my best dressing gown, look in the mirror, and proudly say to myself: how many other boys who lived in social housing in Camperdown with their single Mum left a legacy like this? One that’ll endure for millions of years.
SF: My goodness, the subs will last that long?
AA: Course they won’t, but the radioactive nuclear waste will.
Peter Rodgers is a journalist and former Australian diplomat who served as Australian ambassador to Israel. His book on the Israeli–Palestinian conflict, Herzl’s Nightmare: One Land Two Peoples, was published by Scribe Publications.
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