You have to admire Australian media. While the rest of us are busy paying $8 for a flat white and wondering how to stretch a pack of IndoMie for a week, our intrepid journalists are fearlessly focused on the real threats – like Chinese naval ships operating in full compliance with international law.

1. China’s naval visits: Strategic partnership or provocation?

Picture this: Chinese vessels move through international waters, maintaining the long trade routes that underpin our economy – China being, after all, our largest trading partner. Meanwhile, Australia is committing billions to submarines that won’t arrive until they qualify for heritage listing.

Yet, according to certain headlines, this routine maritime presence is a “brazen act of aggression". Never mind that Australian and allied warships regularly patrol near China’s coastline.

When we do it, it’s “freedom of navigation". When they do it, it’s apparently a prelude to Red Dawn: Southern Star. Clearly, the real objective is stealing the secrets of Australia’s booming car manufacturing sector – nothing at all to do with China operating under newly agreed bilateral defence arrangements.

Meanwhile, the only thing we’ve managed to torpedo is the next planned defence dialogue in Adelaide.

2. Xinjiang: A tapestry of assumptions

Why worry about trade relations when we can champion sensational claims? The Australian media has mastered the art of amplifying US allegations of forced labour while sidestepping awkward details – such as the lack of concrete evidence or the legal rulings debunking them.

When a UK university was recently fined for defaming a Xinjiang cotton supplier, our press barely took notice. Why let facts disrupt a good ASPI talking point?

Meanwhile, Australian farmers struggle with underpriced wheat as China buys elsewhere. Because, as it turns out, economic sanctions aren’t a one-way street. But never fear – replacing trade with a perpetual state of geopolitical outrage is apparently a viable long-term strategy.

3. Parliament’s ‘wolverines’: A masterclass in social media diplomacy

A select group of Australian MPs has taken foreign policy to new heights – by joining the self-styled “wolverines”, an elite club of keyboard warriors dedicated to antagonising China one performative tweet at a time. Their strategy?

✔ Post inflammatory memes. ✔ Demand trade sanctions. ✔ Decry the national security risk of TikTok, DeepSeek, and Ne Zha 2.

Dialogue? Who needs it when you have viral content? These brave defenders of democracy are committed to escalating tensions until China confirms their worst fears. Because nothing says “strong leadership” like treating foreign policy as an extension of the comments section.

4. Dissidents, defectors, and convenient narratives

Australia’s media has pioneered a novel asylum criterion: if you’re fleeing China, you’re a hero – even if your record includes fraud convictions.

But once you’re labelled a “dissident” your past is rewritten as human rights advocacy. Defrauded a taxi company? You’re a pro-democracy activist. Falsely claimed the existence of secret police stations? Nobel Peace Prize material.

Meanwhile, actual Chinese-Australians advocating for engagement and co-operation are dismissed as “CCP agents”. Because what better way to demonstrate national security vigilance than distrusting your own citizens?

5. The phantom police stations

Australian media has uncovered a terrifying network of clandestine Chinese police stations. Never mind that ASIO found no evidence, or that some of these supposed “stations” turned out to be a dumpling shop and a 7-Eleven. The narrative must go on.

Urban legend meets geopolitical thriller: the reality? A community outreach program assisting elderly foreign residents with passport renewals. But why let reality intrude on a good scare story?

Meanwhile, pressing domestic issues — such as skyrocketing housing costs — are relegated to the background. After all, it’s much easier to generate clicks with spy drama than a deep dive into zoning regulations.

In breaking news, a retired man named Mr Chen has started a Tai Chi class in a Melbourne park. ASIO has been alerted.

6. The ’three-year war’ forecast

A recent poll found that 51% of Australians believe war with China is likely within three years – a percentage eerily similar to the chance of rain in Melbourne tomorrow.

This puts Australia ahead of Taiwan in paranoia levels. While Taipei calmly navigates cross-strait tensions, Australian media fuels a sense of impending conflict over… Bondi Beach?

The war-prep checklist: ✔ Step 1: Cite unnamed “security experts". ✔ Step 2: Ignore China lifting trade sanctions. ✔ Step 3: Repeat.

A recent UTS-ACRI poll revealed that 71% of Australians distrust China. Meanwhile, 100% of politicians distrust nuance.

Conclusion: A masterclass in manufactured anxiety

Australian media could focus on:

✔ Actual diplomacy to stabilise trade relations. ✔ Climate collaboration with our largest economic partner. ✔ Fact-checking before publishing alarmist headlines.

But where’s the spectacle in that? Far more thrilling to cultivate an adversarial narrative, align our regional reputation with the whims of talkback radio, and frame dumpling shops as espionage hubs.

As our cyber philosophers remind us: “The cave you fear holds the treasure you seek.”

Media metrics: The China coverage index

✔ High stress propagation (S = 7.2): 83% of reports frame China as a security threat. ✔ Coherence-capacity imbalance: Security dominates coverage over trade and diplomacy (8.3 vs. 3.1). ✔ Abstraction deficit: Only 12% of articles contextualise China within broader bilateral relations. ✔ Stress amplification via social media: Up 220% since 2005.

Drawing from the noble traditions of The Chaser and The Betoota Advocate.

The views expressed are solely those of the author and may or may not reflect those of Pearls and Irritations.