Responding to tragedy

Apr 17, 2024
Grief Word Written In Wooden Cube - Newspaper

Much has already been said and written about the recent tragic stabbings at Bondi Junction. Daily, we are also exposed to stories about the ravages of war, hopefully neither suppressing nor being overwhelmed by them. As a funeral celebrant, I am familiar with, but never complacent about death and suffering – indeed, it is a privilege to stand with those who miss and celebrate the lives of their loved ones. How can we deal with all this death and suffering?

Personal grief

As I have previously written in Pearls & Irritations about grief, there is no such thing as ‘closure.’ Grief is not something to get over; it is not something to be overcome. Grief seems to be the price we pay for love. The more we have loved the deceased, the more we will grieve for them. Moreover, time does not always heal one’s grief. People vary greatly on if, how, and for how long they grieve.

The truth is that we need to grieve, to allow time and space to grieve, and to grieve well. This applies mostly to people who have died whom we have known personally.

Collective grief

How are we to process and deal with the death and suffering of those whom we did not know personally? After all, unless we are completely insensitive, we do share the experience of each person’s death, even if they are strangers to us: as the English poet John Donne (1572-1631) famously asserted, ‘Every person’s death diminishes me, for I am involved in humankind. Therefore, do not send for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee.’

It is appropriate that we acknowledge the death of others and that we do so collectively. Flying flags at half mast, having our political leaders express their sorrow on our behalf, placing bouquets of flowers, signing condolence books, contributing to crowd-funding for their funerals – these are all good expressions of our collective grief and sadness.

There is also a certain wisdom is distancing ourselves from the continual news cycle as the reports from Bondi Junction – and Gaza and Ukraine – continue. We can become overwhelmed if we are too absorbed in the news feeds on our mobiles. While we need to be aware of our world and what is happening, it is not mentally healthy to be immersed in it, 24/7. Limiting our exposure to social media is important during such times. Psychologists rightly tell us that this is especially important for younger people. Resilience is diminished by too much exposure.

Strategies to cope with sadness and suffering

Without being too cryptic, these strategies have been found to be helpful when dealing with sadness and suffering:

Grieve. Find appropriate ways to express your grief and sadness that is in tune with your culture, ethnicity, religion, age, and personality. Give yourself and others time to do so.

Gather. Offer and find support. Talk and listen to others, ideally face-to-face if you can. If one’s sadness is debilitating, ask for professional help. For people of faith, convening for prayer and something to eat afterwards, builds community, resilience, and support.

Generous. Give time to others. Reach out and ask if they are OK. Ring everyone you know who has been affected more personally – their family and friends. Sharing a coffee or a cup of tea, (or something stronger) helps both them and you to cope with the situation.

Grateful. Be grateful every day for the gift of life and for your own family and friends.

Within philosophical counselling and together with a professional guide, five other ‘PEACEful’ ways of dealing with tragedy have been outlined:

Problem. State the problem clearly to a trusted confident or professional.

Express. Share your feelings honestly about this problem or situation and its effects on you.

Analyse. Examine this problem, explore the causes, and what you can realistically do about it.

Contemplate. Consider this situation using the wisdom of the ages or a personal mentor.

Equilibrium. In time, you may find balance and equilibrium although never fully accepting it.

A final message of support

Without being naïve or trying to be superficially positive in the face of tragedy, many people find that great music, literature, and movies are helpful at such times.

Desiderata, the famous prose poem (abbreviated) by the American writer Max Ehrmann (1927), seems suitable during these tragic times:

“Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story…

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labours and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.”

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